Mississippi Litigation Review & Commentary : Mississippi Personal Injury Lawyer & Attorney : Phillip W. Thomas Law Firm : MS Litigation Review & Commentary

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Above the Law reported Wednesday on the spread of a common law firm issue to law schools: someone getting their lunch stolen out of the fridge. ABL mocked this very serious issue with a picture of a “Hungry” Incredible Hulk.

Anyone who has ever had their lunch raided in the firm fridge knows that this is no laughing matter. It's infuriating. And the commonly offered solution provided by the UCLA Law School is totally inadequate:

We also highly encourage that you label your lunch with your name or other clear identifying marks to discourage theft as much as possible.

Whoever wrote that suggestion should be the leading suspect for lunch thief. If anything, writing your name on your lunch greatly increases the chance that your lunch will be stolen. The sneaky lunch thief will steal your lunch no matter what. But when you write your name on it, your friends will also steal it just because they think it's funny. And unless it's your lunch, it kind of is.

No, if you want to really keep your lunch from getting stolen you must cast aside common misperceptions like "writing your name on your lunch prevents theft"; and abandon stereotypes—like suspecting that the thief must be one of the fat guys. The fat guy is actually the least likely person in the firm to steal your lunch, because he knows that he will be the top suspect.

So what can you do to protect your lunch? You must go on the offensive and take the war to the enemy. Here are a few suggestions to get the creative juices flowing:

• if you want to try writing your name on your lunch, also date it—with a date 3 months ago. Then put the bag in the back of the fridge behind something.
• bring 2 identical items. place them in the fridge together under a note that says:“I peed on one of these.” Of course, the secret of this trick is to pee on both and go out to lunch that day. Then go around the office all afternoon laughing about it.
• let leftovers rot in your fridge at home for several months and then put them in the firm fridge disguised as your lunch.
• repeat the previous suggestion, but do write your name on the lunch. Leave it in the fridge for months, occasionally adding another item. Once you have done this long enough, it might be safe to start sneaking in your real lunch.
• buy a safe that fits on one of the fridge shelves and lock your lunch inside everday. you can offset the cost of the safe by offering to rent out safe space for other people's lunches. just never let anyone else have the combination.

The point is that the lunch thief is like the Honey Badger. It takes what it wants. To defeat the lunch thief, you need to prepare like Nick Saban. And like Saban, don't ever smile about it. This is serious business.